I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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