well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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