I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Randomize
