I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
