there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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