if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I'm bleeding and have questions
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
