Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
