It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
