I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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