i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
