i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
