I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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