I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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