When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize