Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
