i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Dear god my vagina.
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