Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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