Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
