wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
