I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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