sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
