My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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