i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
