tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
