He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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