And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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