he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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