Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
