You're my little dorito
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
