South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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