Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
