I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
