I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
