I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize