I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
