the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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