Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
