Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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