jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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