mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
