I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
