Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
