1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
