Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
