I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It's just like the Real World with babies
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
