When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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