I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
