There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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