my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
