a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
