Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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