I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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