Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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