Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
