Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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