I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
