you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
