i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize