so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
