you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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